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November 3, 2004

Don't Blame Me, I Voted For Kodos

Surprise, surprise, the losers won't concede!

So Election Day has come and gone. Every sign and indicator
seems to indicate that the President has secured a second term.
Of course, if the 2000 election taught us anything, the Democrats
will holler for a do-over until Bush starts threatening them with
cruise missiles. Argh. It doesn't look good for Mr. Kerry. Last time
I checked, his brother was not governor of Ohio. Perhaps he could
threaten a large-scale ketchup embargo.

Damn you, Internet rumors: oh, Internet, you tease me so! All
day you told me that the exit poll results favored Kerry, especially in
FL-OH-PA, or as Beltway insiders like to call it, "Flopa." All the signs
pointed towards the election tilting the Democrats way in Flopa.
And then the actual results began to arrive...very...very...slowly.
Let me be the 6,143th person to say that whomever is doing the
exit polling is really sloppy and should try a little bit harder next time
-- cause them there exit polls were pretty wrong, and it's just going
to make people blame the error on the Internet. And I hate when
people blame things on the Internet. Seriously. The Internet is
our friend.

Like the baseball playoffs, only suckier: stung by their collective
recanting of the 2000 result, the networks and cablers were in
ultra-conservative mode in re: telling us who won the election. So
instead of racing to be the first to scoop the election winner, all
parties involved were painstakingly glacial in their calls. Very clever
for them -- it means we keep watching and waiting and consuming
their advertising and paying their bills. And as it got later and later,
I was reminded of last month's late-night baseball games -- the
tension mounting as we moved deeper into the evening, building
up to the inevitable climax. Only instead of finishing at 1 am ET,
they don't finish at all. And instead of a walk-off home run at
Yankee Stadium, we get lawsuits in Ohio.

America doesn't like gay people: and I don't want to hear
semantics about how this is about the sanctity of marriage and not
a referendum on tolerance. We asked America what they thought
of people who have sex differently than they do and America
responded: we aren't so into them. Ask ugly questions, get ugly
answers. And I'll spare us all the exercise in speculating as to other
referenda that might also pass in certain states. That's for another
day when I'm less disappointed.

Note to potential enemies of America: look, if you're going to
do something ugly, maybe check out that red-state-blue-state map
first. We're one nation, and we're all on the same team, yadda
yadda, but I have a feeling that those red-state folks can get away
with talking tough cause they know they're not going to have to
take the punch. All the good targets are in blue states. This frees
up red state people to do productive things like passing
amendments about how unfond they are of people who have sex
differently than they do.

I'll say it again. Keep your fingers crossed. Crazier things have
happened. The freakin you-know-whos just won the
you-know-what.

Posted by thatkid at November 3, 2004 9:03 AM under The Papers

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