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January 31, 2005

AVP Line Extensions

In which I admit that AVP wasn't actually that sweet but hold out hope for additional product extensions

I really enjoyed AVP when I saw it this past summer (opening night, no less!). Sure, as a big fan of the two franchises in question, I was something of an easy mark. Naysayers told me it was just going to be tacky like Freddy Vs. Jason, but I wasn't having any of that. Jason and Freddy are downmarket slasher films that lucked into a series of unremarkable sequels; Alien and Predator are seminal science fiction landmarks that were having fun with their brands in a fun and engaging way.

And I did enjoy the film. Sure, the first half was, ahem, a bit slow, but once the Predators started to fight the Aliens, well, THE PREDATORS FOUGHT THE ALIENS. That was more than enough for me. I enjoyed it so much that I ran to the video store to rent it on the first day of its DVD release. Ugh. What a letdown. The first half didn't get any better, and the second half, well, once you know who's on whose side, it isn't so interesting (though it is worth nothing that the PREDATORS STILL FIGHT THE ALIENS). I had big hopes for more Alien-and-Predator sequels, but a second viewing left me unconvinced -- and worried that this film might have been equity-damaging enough to retire both franchises.

Still, if they can't get another theatrical release together, there is still plenty of pop culture and product licensing space for these characters to explore together -- especially if they really want to kill the franchises. Some suggestions:

AVP: The Sitcom: in Two and a Half Bloodthirsty Space Monsters, the Alien and the Predator are unlikely roommates who are entrusted with the care of a wisecracking nine-year-old girl, their long-lost cousin. Watch the Predator fume as alien larvae make a mess on his leather couch and later eat his cereal without asking! Watch the Alien try to deal with the advances of a gay co-worker while stifling her own desires to use the coworker as a host for her embryo offspring! And watch them both hustle to be on time for their cousin's dance recital without letting their bosses know they've skipped work! Only on America's Most Watched Network!

AVP: The Reality Show: the Alien and the Predator join the T-1000, Darth Maul, Pinhead, Chucky, and Tara Reid in an isolated mansion in the Hollywood Hills as they each attempt to conquer their overwhelming passion for bloodshed -- and learn a little bit more about themselves. Sparks fly when Darth Maul interrupts Pinhead putting the moves on Tara Reid in the hot tub, while the Alien and Chucky strike an unlikely alliance to get the T-1000 kicked out of the house...and the Predator reveals the details of his troubled relationship with his father. Only at the 10 spot!

AVP: The Broadcast Team: in a long-welcome upgrade to the Sunday Night NFL broadcast team, ESPN introduces the Alien and the Predator to the broadcast booth. After violently disemboweling Paul Macguire and Joe Theisman live on national television in the first quarter of the season premiere, they shock both network execs and viewers with a poised performance in the booth. All agree that their inhuman shrieking, passion for bloodshed, and random bellowing offer a charming balance to Mike Patrick's play-by-play skills, and mark a considerable improvement over the previous team. Ratings increase considerably and there is soon talk of the Alien and Predator replacing Al Michaels and John Madden on Monday nights.

AVP: Meet The Press: in an attempt to revamp the network and reach a new generation of viewers, CNN hires the Alien and the Predator for a Crossfire-style nightly debate program. The Alien's progressive social welfare (some might even argue socialist!) views offer an appropriate balance to the Predator's neocon agenda, yet their exchanges are heated without crossing the line to shrill. Tune in this week to listen to them debate President Bush's proposed changes to Social Security, and hear their ideas on the one issue they do seem to agree on: human disemboweling tactics to finally get tough on the insurgents in Iraq! The Alien and the Predator: the most trusted names in news!

AVP: I Love The 90s, Part Trois: the Alien and the Predator join Biz Markie, Joel Stein, Michael Ian Black and Kathy Griffin to reminisce and giggle at the music, movies, people and trends that made the 90s the most gangsta decade ever! This is the Alien and the Predator at their snarkiest -- though sometimes the joke's on them! Check out rare footage of the Predator's short-lived grunge outfit "Human Femur Necklace" and the Alien's TRL appearance. Got milk? Good! Then kick back with a nice tall glass, and a box of fat-free Snackwells and join VH1 for I Love The 90s: Part Trois, the series that, like the Alien massacring the colonists on RV-426, keeps going and going and....

AVP: The True Hollywood Story: sobering tale tracking the Predator's meteoric rise to fame, his tragic fall from grace, and the peace and contentment he's finally found in his relationship with God. Hear him discuss for the first time on camera his abusive childhood, his off-and-on addiction to painkillers, his embarassing appearance at the Golden Globes in 1993, his brief career as a Belgian pop star, his short-lived marriage to Paula Abdul, his experimentation with scientology, and his eventual conversion to Christianity and final reconciliation with his father.

Posted by thatkid at January 31, 2005 11:32 AM under Stuff To Buy

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