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February 1, 2005
The Story of the Film So Far
In which I write a guest column on snikes.com!
The following appears today, February 1, 2005 on snikes.com as part of a large-scale content and services sharing agreement between our respective firms; further details on the deal will be available shortly.
Among the many leading indicators of my increasingly unhealthful obsession with the Philadelphia Eagles (a.k.a My Most Favorite Entertainment Property or Brand) is the fact that I am currently 2-for-2 for the week in viewing ESPN2's Cold Pizza and, perhaps even more distressingly, I have actually found myself agreeing with commentator/ blathermonkey Skip Bayless. Though I am a loyal ESPN consumer, I've long eschewed Cold Pizza as the sort of crap that even I'm above; it reeks of ESPN's ill-fated attempts to broaden its audience by co-opting traditionally successful program formats (Beg, Borrow, and Deal, we're looking in your direction), in this case, the network morning show. More importantly, I had long since assigned Skip Bayless to the "enemies" column in my list of TV blathermonkeys (also in said column, Merril Hoge, Cris Collinsworth, and Peter King), since it seemed he'd been on crusade to slander the good name of Eagles wideout Terrell Owens.
But not this week. This week, Cold Pizza and Skip Bayless are my friends. Not only do I get fresh Eagles TV content from
(Guess what! I think the Eagles can win too!)
You might know an Eagles fan. You might not. These people (we) have a problem. I have a problem. I can't explain this problem (that's for another time; mostly it's too nuanced, and ties into the city of Philadelphia's inferiority complex in re: the rest of the Northeast Corridor), but I can at least give you a vocabulary to understand it. Should you encounter a Birds' fan at your Super Bowl party on Sunday, here are some quick tips for sounding fluent in the past 20 years of Birds history:
(1) 610 WIP: so you know how you sometimes hear how sports-talk radio is a really crass and abrasive format, peopled mainly by blowhards and lunatics from the fringe of society who are just looking for a soapbox to rechannel their frustrations? Right. So that's how it works in 99 percent of America. And then, in Philly, you have WIP, which is just like all the others, only about 600 times worse. Nobody -- not the hosts, not the callers -- is particularly knowledgeable about what they're discussing. Shouting is the preferred mode of conversation. It's insanely repetitive (six out of ten calls begin with "That last caller stole my thunder"), and yet it's also insanely popular and influential. The former mayor (and current governor) was a regular caller. They've organized large-scale rallies. And they hold a competitive eating contest every year (see below) that draws nearly 20,000 spectators. And it doesn't make anyone any less psychotic about the Birds. They talk about football, a lot, in MARCH. I mean, I'd use the word "demagoguery" if they weren't just talking about a football team; I don't know if that makes it better or worse.
(2) Legendary Coach #1: Dick Vermeil: though he quit coaching the Eagles over 20 years ago and never actually WON the Super Bowl, this dude's face is STILL on billboards in Philly. STILL. Something to do with bringing a winner back to Philly after decades of futility or something. And he cried a lot (the press called it "wearing his heart on his sleeve"). I'd like to pretend that I would have thought that he was a sissy for all the crying if I was sentient at the time (I was like five). I really would. But I know I would have eaten it up like everyone else, due to the fact that HE GOT THE EAGLES TO THE SUPER BOWL.
(3) "For who; for what?": after short-arming a pass (that means he was going to catch the ball but decided against it cause he was afraid) in the 1995 season opener, the recently (and expensively) acquired RB Ricky Watters asked reporters, "For who; for what?" in the post-game press conference. Right. This did NOT go over well. It crystallized for everyone that Birds fans -- though they might get pissed off if you lose -- fundamentally want to know that at least you tried. Half-assing it, even once, earns you scorn. Forever. We want you to prove that you're willing to suffer too. If I saw Ricky Watters TOMORROW, "For who; for what" would be the first thing out of my mouth. This is also why Todd Pinkston could catch 3 TDs on Sunday and still get shipped out of town in a month.
(4) Names that make us cringe: want to make an Eagles supporter spit up their cheesesteak? Drop any of these three names on them and see how they react. Feel free to do so in the context of sentences like, "Gee, that (player/ top-ten draft pick/ coach) was really a great (idea/ decision/ leader) for you guys!" Said names are: Antone, Mamula, Kotite. Try it. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised!
(5) Legendary Coach #2: there was no better coaching fit in the history of professional sports than Buddy Ryan and the Eagles. I repeat: there was no better coaching fit in the history of professional sports than Buddy Ryan and the Eagles. Buddy's "philosophy" was that he'd spend all of his time, effort, and money on his defense (the candy-ass offense was free to do as it pleased), and would try to win games by physically abusing the other team. SEE: body bag game against Washington, Monday night game in Houston, and reports that he put bounties -- actual dollars -- on opposing players. Even when the Eagles didn't win, you could count on them to hurt someone. His face isn't on billboards, but it should be -- the guy is still the stuff of legends in that town (though he's been all but blackballed by the league, owing in no small part to him physically assaulting a fellow assistant coach in Houston). And rightfully so: no one tapped into the bloodlust underlying Philly's passion for football like Buddy. I hope they gave him a Super Bowl ticket. I really do.
(6) The Vet: right, so most football fans with some knowledge of NFL arcana can spin you some yarns about Veterans' Stadium, former home of the Eagles and Phillies: they had a judge at the stadium for Eagles home games, they called off a preseason game in 2001 because the field was in such terrible condition, it was infested with rats, the fans cheered Michael Irvin's career-ending injury, blah blah blah. Sure, it's all true. And don't think for a moment that every Eagles fan didn't absolutely delight and revel in the ugliness of that building and its inhabitants. If anything, the 700 level (home of the rowdiest fans) might have been a little too impressed by its own myth. But whatever. Opposing teams and fans were scared of the Vet. And we freakin loved it.
(7) Wing Bowl: only in Philadelphia can you have a competitive eating contest at 6 am and have 18,000 people show up. I speak, of course, of the Wing Bowl. Go ahead, click on the link. Go on. Don't be shy. This is the 13th edition of the Wing Bowl, traditionally held the Friday before the Super Bowl. They hold it at the Wachovia Center (where the Sixers and Flyers play). The folks at WIP started it, but now it's grown into something much bigger. And much scarier. They even have a separate competition for "wingettes" -- and official odds (for amusement only) if you're into that sort of thing.
And other things you can bring up to seem like you understand the Eagles: Ray Rhodes comparing a home loss to "having someone break into your house and rape your family"; Randall Cunningham wearing two different colored shoes during a game; Randall Cunningham wearing a t-shirt that said "Dangerously Committed"; "That Guy In France" Vs. "Prince Jeffrey"; Andre "Dirty" Waters; the virtues of kelly green vs. midnight green; that the 1991 Eagles defense was among the best ever.
Like I said, I think the Eagles can win too.
ThatKidInTheCorner was thrilled to have a guest column on snikes.com this week, just so he could tell more people about how the Eagles are going to win the Super Bowl. ThatKid sporadically blogs about non-Eagles-related topics at www.thatkidinthecorner.com. You can e-mail him at thatkid@thatkidinthecorner.com. "Fly Eagles Fly" is his ringtone.
Posted by thatkid at February 1, 2005 9:46 PM under
ThatKid
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