« That Last Paper of Record Stole My Thunder | Main | Eurotrip(!) »

March 4, 2005

I'd Like To Thank The ATM Machine, The Guy Who Works At Starbucks....

Trying to figure out why twenty-year-old basketball players are more articulate and appropriate than Oscar-winning actors

I didn't catch much of the Oscars on Sunday night. Beyond some curiosity about what Chris Rock would say (because Chris Rock tends to be a pretty funny and insightful guy), the show didn't hold so much sway over me. I hadn't really seen very many of the nominated movies, and more generally find "awards programs" to be pretty boring as entertainments. Said programs tend to be good at "Letting you see lots of celebrities in the same place -- even the ones from slightly different parts of the entertainment business!" and not much else.

Still, the few minutes of the broadcast which I did see (the presentation of the awards to Hillary Swank and Charlie Kaufmann) brought up a question that's baffled me for years: how is it that entertainment people are SO MUCH more atrocious at commenting on their success than sports people? That is, why are the movie types so unwatchable when they're asked to say "Thank You"? With even a limited cache of Oscar memories available to me, I can very quickly point to Julia Roberts, James Cameron, and Halle Berry as three offenders who quickly leap to mind. Generally speaking, why do these otherwise talented people do such a poor job of being gracious and appropriate?

The buffoonery on the Oscar stage is all the more embarrassing when compared to the poise and politeness that come standard in even the most emotionally charged sports interview. Specifically, think about how articulate your standard college basketball player is in the moments after winning the NCAA tournament, as a microphone is thrust into his twenty-year-old mug. (We don't even have to go into the pros to make the argument.) The kid has just succeeded at the highest level of his life, in front of a huge audience -- both in the arena and on television. Typically he's covered in sweat, gasping for breath, and suddenly there's a microphone in his face, demanding to know how he feels. And you know what? Nine times out of ten, the kid nails it. He'll communicate enthusiasm, excitement, a respect for his opponent, and gratitude (to his coach, the rest of his team, and his parents, usually in that order). The most egregious sin of this moment is typically when he spots a teammate approaching and launches a high-five in the middle of the interview. Even the kids who talk exclusively about God come across as earnest.

So what is it about the Hollywood people that makes them so much lousier at gracefully (and efficiently) accepting congratulations than athletes? Some theories:

They're All Alone Up There: when you win the Oscar, you walk to a microphone and start talking. The smart ones try to prepare something, though "preparing" doesn't necessarily prevent "doing an awful job." Athletes at least have someone standing nearby feeding them lines, asking them questions, and otherwise structuring the presentation. That helps, and, to their credit, the Hollywood people usually are pretty good in one-on-one interviews (press junkets, the talk shows, etc.). All that said, even the prepared Hollywood people say silly things on those stages.

They're Not Used To Competing: whereas athletes compete every single day (in practice, in games, playing video games when they're not busy with the first two) and used to both "winning" and "losing" in contests where there is a clear result and ending (often under extremely large helpings of pressure), Hollywood people don't ever really publicly compete. For anything. They make movies, and then a bunch of their peers decide which one they like best. There are no explanations or listed criteria for the decisions -- just an announcement. Thus, when the Hollywood people win an award, they're thrust into the awkward situation of (a) being under pressure in public and (b) having to explain what it feels like to "win" something. And they're not prepared to do a good job of that.

They're Shallow and Fake: movie people make a living creating a simulacrum of reality. They pretend to be people they're not, and fabricate worlds that don't exist. Athletes compete for money and respect every day. The emotions you see on the field and the court are real. Very real. (In fact, the most popular ones tend to be among the most expressive.) Winning an Oscar offers a glimpse into the "real" Hollywood person -- the one who isn't just parroting press junket platitudes -- and it turns out that those people aren't actually always so interesting. Or at least not as emotionally sincere as athletes.

Their Fantasy World Is Even More Out Of Touch Than The Athletes: make no mistake, high-profile athletes are just as rich and coddled as Hollywood people. They all have agents, managers and other flacks catering to their every whim. But again, the athletes are out in public every day, playing games, interacting with fans, and engaging with the world. In fact, if they play a bad game, people boo and journalists write nasty things. If Ashton Kutcher makes a crappy movie, maybe some film critic will give him a hard time, but his agent will tell him he's a genius and get him another deal. That is, even though the athletes might feel entitled, at least they don't have a publicist on staff. (Much less mention said publicist upon winning a basketball game.)

They Rarely Get Negative Public Feedback: as mentioned above, although Hollywood people might get a bad review, said review doesn't actually mean they didn't succeed -- plenty of critically panned films make gobs of money. Athletes, however, get ample doses of public negative feedback ALL THE TIME. People boo, they jeer, they spit, they call you names. If you're a great player, you've likely been dealing with it since high school. Thus, you're going to be a little more in control of yourself than someone who gets flowers and congrats from your grandparents after the school play. Athletes are cooler under pressure because they have to be -- otherwise they wouldn't survive. Thus, offering a few words about how you feel after you win something is barely a challenge; try answering those questions after you've been injured in a loss!

Posted by thatkid at March 4, 2005 5:00 PM under The Papers

Comments

Post a comment

About ThatKid

Copyright (c) 2004-2007 thatkidinthecorner