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May 6, 2005

CAPS LOCKED

IN WHICH I EXPLORE THE EFFECTS OF CAPITAL LETTERS IN ELECTRONIC COMMUNICATIONS VIA EXTENSIVE USE OF SAID CAPITAL LETTERS

SO ALREADY THE PAGE LOOKS PRETTY WEIRD.

IT'S THE SAME ALPHABET. SAME CHARACTERS. SAME LETTERS. SAME WORDS. SAME LANGUAGE. SAME FONT.

YUP. AND I HATE IT.

LET ME BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT THAT I ACTUALLY DO HAVE A VISCERAL REACTION TO AN PAGE FULL OF CAPITAL LETTERS (ESPECIALLY IN AN E-MAIL -- HISS!!!). A REAL, ACTUAL, PHYSICAL REACTION. I SEE A PAGE FULL OF CAPITAL LETTERS, AND MY BLOOD PRESSURE RISES. IT'S REALLY UNCANNY. IT'S AS THOUGH I'VE BEEN CHALLENGED TO A DUEL -- I SEE THE CAPITAL LETTERS, AND IT'S LIKE SOMEONE IS GETTING UP IN MY SHIT. YOU TALKIN TO ME? WHY YOU GOTTA USE THE CAPS? IT'S ACTUALLY TOUGH TO TYPE THIS, IN THAT I KNOW HOW IT'S BEING READ. I DON'T MEAN TO BE THIS AGGRESSIVE; I'M ACTUALLY IN A RATHER PLEASANT MOOD. BUT THE TONE IS IMMEDIATELY IMPACTED BY THE CAPS. AND NOT FOR THE BETTER. YOU READ THE CAPS, YOU THINK I'M A JERKFACE.

AT THE SAME TIME, CAPITAL LETTERS, GENERALLY SPEAKING, DON'T BOTHER ME. PUT THEM IN A PIECE OF ADVERTISING, ON A MARQUEE, THE COVER OF BOOK, A SIGN, THEY'RE FINE. DON'T EVEN NOTICE THEM. WHEN I SCRIBBLE NOTES ON PAPER, I SWITCH BETWEEN UPPER- AND LOWER-CASE LETTERS SEAMLESSLY -- THEY'RE ALL THE SAME TO ME IN MY ERSTWHILE CATHOLIC-SCHOOL-TRAINED PENMANSHIP. BUT WHEN THEY INVADE A CHUNK OF TEXT THAT I'M READING, WELL, THAT'S WHEN THE TROUBLE STARTS. AN E-MAIL, A WEB PAGE -- YUCK. AWFUL.

SO THIS IS THE POINT AT WHICH, WERE I AN ACTUAL REPORTER/ JOURNALIST, I WOULD SEGUE INTO A SERIES OF EXPLANATIONS FOR WHY I SEEM TO BE ALLERGIC TO READING CAPITAL LETTERS IN TEXT. FIRST I WOULD GIVE THE TOPIC A CATCHY NAME, LIKE "THE CAPS-LOCK PROBLEM" OR "THE PROBLEM WITH CAPS" OR "CAPTAGION!" -- YOU KNOW, SOMETHING ALMOST-BUT-NOT-QUITE CLEVER. I WOULD ASSEMBLE QUOTES FROM PROMINENT COGNITIVE NEUROLOGISTS (IS THERE SUCH A THING AS A COGNITIVE NEUROLOGIST? IS THAT THE RIGHT TITLE? OH WELL. I'M NOT A JOURNALIST!) ABOUT HOW OUR EYES AND BRAINS TRANSLATE VISUAL IMAGES INTO INFORMATION. I'D PROBABLY ALSO TALK TO SOME READING SPECIALISTS WHO COULD OFFER SOME KEEN INSIGHTS IN RE: HOW WE LEARN TO READ, AND HOW THE CAPS-LOCK PROBLEM COMPARES TO OTHER READING AND LEARNING DISABILITIES. I WOULD THEN WEAVE THE SCIENCE-Y DESCRIPTIONS INTO SOME QUOTES FROM THE SORT OF SEMIOTICS GEEK WHO HAS COMPLICATED OPINIONS ABOUT HOW ELECTRONIC COMMUNICATIONS ARE CHANGING THE FACE OF LANGUAGE AND WRITING. AND THEN I WOULD END WITH SOME PITHY QUOTE AND SUMMARY SENTENCE THAT CONTAINED SOME SILLY PUN OR FIGURE OF SPEECH.

(IN FACT, THE CLOSEST I'LL COME TO ANY SORT OF ACTUAL RESEARCH HERE IS TO NOTE THAT I HAD TO GRADE A STACK OF EXAMS THE OTHER DAY AS PART OF MY TEACHING ASSISTANT RESPONSIBILITIES AND A BUNCH OF STUDENTS MADE THE EXACT SAME BIZARRO ERROR: THEY HAD TO MAKE AN EASY INITIAL CALCULATION TO GET THIS ONE NUMBER, 104.05, THAT THEY NEEDED TO USE THROUGHOUT THE REST OF THE PROBLEM. EXCEPT STUDENT AFTER STUDENT KEPT TRANSCRIBING "104.05" AS "104.5" AND GETTING THE REST OF THE PROBLEM WRONG. IT WAS UNNERVING. THEIR BRAINS REALLY LIKED SEEING "*.5" AND JUST DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH "*.05." IT WASN'T AS THOUGH THEY GOT THE FIRST PART WRONG -- THEY WOULD GET THE FIRST PART CORRECT AND THEN JUST TRANSCRIBE THE NUMBER INCORRECTLY. CREEPY. AND I THINK THAT MUST BE THE SAME SORT OF THING AS CAPTAGION.)

IN ANY CASE, I'M NOT A REAL JOURNALIST. NOT EVEN CLOSE. IN LIEU OF "USEFUL INFORMATION" I'VE INSTEAD ASSEMBLED A LIST OF POSSIBLE EXPLANATIONS FOR EXCESSIVE CAPS USAGE IN E-MAIL OR ON WEB PAGES; THAT IS, WHEN WE SEE ALL CAPS IN TEXT, WHAT DO WE GUESS THE WRITER WAS THINKING? WHAT MIGHT POSSESS SOMEONE TO USE ONLY CAPITAL LETTERS? ARE ANY OF THESE ACTUALLY LEGITIMATE EXCUSES FOR GOING ALL-CAPS? MY LIST:

WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING?: THIS IS PROBABLY MY FIRST INSTINCT WHEN I SEE THE CAPS. AND IT MAKES SENSE, SINCE LOTS OF PEOPLE DO SELECTIVELY DEPLOY THE CAPS TO INDICATE EMPHASIS AND VOLUME (I MEAN, I LOVE DOING THAT). THUS, WHEN WE READ THE TEXT IN CAPS, WE ASSUME THAT THE WRITER MEANT US TO IMAGINE THAT THESE WORDS ARE TO BE SHOUTED. GOT IT.

YOU WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT?: AS MENTIONED ABOVE, THE ALL-CAPS LOOK IS VAGUELY CONFRONTATIONAL -- AS THOUGH ONE'S BEING INSULTED (SPAT UPON, REALLY) BY A FRAGMENT OF TEXT. THE CAPS DO RAISE THE TEMPERATURE IN THE ROOM; IT'S THE DIGITAL EQUIVALENT OF T'ROWING HANDS. AND IF YOU'RE IN THE MIDST OF AN E-MAIL ARGUMENT, IT'S A SUREFIRE WAY TO ESCALATE THE CONFLICT. YOU CAN SEE THIS BEING EXCEPTIONALLY USEFUL IF SAID E-MAIL ARGUMENT HAS PRODUCED A LENGTHY THREAD OF BACK-AND-FORTH (IN NORMAL TEXT)...AND THEN JUST AS IT'S ABOUT TO GET REALLY NASTY, YOU BUST THE CAPS ON THEIR ASS! (HAD TO BE DONE; APOLOGIES.)

ASIAN DAWN HAVE ISSUED A COMMUNIQUE: I FEEL LIKE ANY TIME I SEE OLD-TIMEY TRANSCRIPTIONS OF TELEGRAPH MESSAGES OR PRINTED OUT MILITARY ORDERS IN MOVIES THEY'RE ALWAYS IN ALL-CAPS. ALSO WHEN MARGINALIZED POLITICAL GROUPS ISSUE COMMUNIQUES, IT'S A PURELY CAPITALIZED AFFAIR, THOUGH I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT A COMMUNIQUE IS OR HOW TO ISSUE ONE, AND REALLY CAN'T BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY THE WORD "ISSUE" ALWAYS SITS IN FRONT OF COMMUNIQUE; IT JUST SEEMS LIKE IT ALWAYS WORKS LIKE THAT.

THIS IS MY VERY FIRST EMAIL!!!!!!!!!!: THOUGH THE CONCEPT OF READING SOMEONE'S "FIRST E-MAIL" IS A LITTLE LATE-90S, I FEEL LIKE THE ONES I DO REMEMBER READING TENDED TO BE A BIT CAPS-HEAVY; LIKE THE WRITER DIDN'T YET UNDERSTAND THE CONVENTIONS OF E-MAIL COMMUNICATION. AT THE SAME TIME, IT'S WORTH NOTING THAT ALTHOUGH IT'S GENERALLY MUCH BETTER FORM TO GO CAPLESS THAN ALL CAPS, THE WHOLE "I DON'T USE CAPITAL LETTERS IN E-MAILS" STYLIZATION THING HAS PROBABLY RUN ITS COURSE AT THIS POINT. THE VERY-FIRST-E-MAIL RULE ALSO COMES INTO PLAY FOR E-MAILS WRITTEN BY CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF EIGHT -- THEY GET A PASS.

THEY SPEAK ENGLISH IN WHAT?: IS IT WRONG TO WAIVE THE CAPS RULES IF YOU'RE E-MAILING WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T SPEAK YOUR LANGUAGE? I WANT TO BELIEVE YES, BUT THEN I START TO THINK THAT MAKING AN EXCEPTION LIKE THAT IS JUST A CLOSE COUSIN OF THE CHARMINGLY AMERICAN HABIT OF SPEAKING MORE SLOWLY AND LOUDLY WHEN CONFRONTED WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T SPEAK FANTASTIC ENGLISH. THAT IS, I'M BEING A CONDESCENDING JERK ABOUT IT ALL BY MAKING SPECIAL EXCEPTIONS LIKE THAT, AS IF THE REST OF THE WORLD DOESN'T UNDERSTAND E-MAIL.

AND THAT'S ALL I GOTS FOR YA. THOUGH IN CLOSING I MIGHT LIKE TO SUGGEST THAT YOU SET ASIDE A DAY TO DEVOTE TO CAPS LOCK. PICK A DAY, DEPRESS YOUR CAPS-LOCK KEY, AND JUST ROLL WITH IT. SEND E-MAILS, POST MESSAGES ON DISCUSSION BOARDS, FILL IN FORMS -- JUST GO ALL CAPS, ALL THE TIME. IF ANYONE ASKS YOU ABOUT THE CAPS (AND THEY WILL), JUST PLAY IT COOL. IF THEY PERSIST, THEN YOU GET TO MESS WITH THEM A LITTLE BIT: WHAT? IS THERE SOME SORT OF PROBLEM? YOU DON'T LIKE HOW I ROLL? I CAN'T PROMISE PEOPLE WON'T BE OFFENDED, BUT I CAN PROMISE THAT YOU'LL GET A KICK OUT OF IT (THE ASSUMPTION HERE BEING THAT YOU ENJOY SNICKERING AT PEOPLE, WHICH, AS YOU MIGHT IMAGINE, I SIMPLY ADORE).

Have a good one.

Posted by thatkid at May 6, 2005 3:23 PM under ThatKid

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