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June 13, 2005

Nearly Shanghaied In Hanoi

In which we can attest to the value of the Lonely Planet guidebook for Vietnam

My last post talked a lot of game about how we were "planning" to go to Hanoi the following day. Right. So that didn't "exactly" happen. Apparently that Saturday (when we were planning to travel) was some sort of holiday. The bad news was that we couldn't get on a flight to Hanoi that day. The worse news was that we also couldn't get on a flight to Hanoi the following day. Uh oh. (Vietnam Airlines isn't entirely uncomplicated in re: their customer service and ticket purchasing functions.)

So we improvised a bit. We decided to stay in Hoi An for one more day, then do a day in Nha Trang (this translates as "we decided to go to the beach for a day") and then head to Hanoi on Monday. Today.

And here we are.

The trip was not without its excitement, though. Highlights and bulletpoints from the past couple days....

Municipal Waste Management Presented By Mister Softee: the first time we heard the overblown calliope noise coming down the street, we just assumed it was the Vietnamese version of the Ice Cream Man. Not exactly. Turns out it was the garbage truck, which for some reason plays ridiculously cheery and repetitive children's music as it crawls down the street. Kind of hilarious. It's like a big garbage party, and everyone's invited!

Year Of The Smurf: not to get down on dragons, cause dragons are definitely conceptually cool, but all the other "Year Of" animals actually exist. I'm just sayin. Is all.

The Good People At The Ancient House Resort, Hoi An: can't say enough about these folks. After our debacle with the airplanes (which required that we stay an extra night at their hotel) they actually insisted on giving us a free meal. And not a small meal. Like five courses. Because we couldn't get airline tickets. If you're ever in Hoi An, these folks are the ticket. Also, they let you have a bike to tool around town with for the duration of your stay. I already miss ole Number 12.

I Say I-I-I-I I Want The Knife. Pleeeeeeeeaaaase: as part of our extra day in Hoi An, we decided to go on one of the local tourist excursions. It was, ahem, pretty silly, highlighted by a presentation of the "magic table." The magic table was a lazy susan on which you placed your palms to allow your mind to "control" the direction of the rotation. Errr, right. In our defense, I think we did a pretty good job of not breaking into uncontrollable laughter during this session, though we were polite enough to remove our hats. Since it was a holy place. (Tourists traps are very sacred in Vietnam.)

Barbecues Every Day, No More Living Hard: had one of the best meals of the trip last night in Nha Trang. You got to BBQ your own dinner at the table on a small charcoal grill. AWESOME, especially after the proprietor explained how all the sauces worked, and demonstrated how to dip the baguette in the marinade and grill it as well. (Note that this just led us to begin grilling our french fries as well, but hey, we're on vacation.)

A Quick Note About Traffic Laws in Vietnam: when the books say that there aren't any, they are NOT exaggerating. It's ridiculous. People are just whizzing everywhere, all the time. We've seen scores of motorscooters loaded with four (4) passengers (typically including two children). I can't believe we haven't witnessed an accident yet. In lieu of an organized system of traffic regulations, the Vietnamese just honk their horn at people (pedestrians, bicycles, motorbikes, cars) to warn them to get the hell out of the way. This means it's INSANELY LOUD anywhere near a street. But, hey, I guess it works for them.

Thank You, Folks At Lonely Planet: the Lonely Planet guidebook for Vietnam's entry on "Scams" in Hanoi reads as follows:

One unfortunate development in Hanoi has been hustlers moving into the hotel market. They rent a building, appropriate the name of another hotel, and then work with the touts to bring unwitting tourists to their 'chosen' location....Airport taxis and minibuses often work in partnership with these copycat hotels, as they give the biggest commissions.

So that's pretty much exactly what happened to us today.

For the record, if the good people from the "Phucking" Phuc Loi hotel had picked us up at the airport as they said they would in their e-mail (when they confirmed our reservation), none of this would have happened. But they didn't show, and we had to switch to plan B. Plan B involved us hiring a cab to take us to the Classic Street Hotel. We talked to a cabbie, who took us out to meet the "head" cabbie guy, who summoned another cabbie, who then spoke with the guy in the Vietnamese Army uniform and put us in a cab. It was not a sketchy cab, but an official cab like all the others.

We started to suspect something was up when the cabbie made an unexpected stop at the cabbie depot to talk to some of the other cabbies and didn't explain why he was stopping (we just figured he didn't speak much English). The ride into town was interesting and odd, but hey, most things here are.

Things got extra-fishy when we stopped in front of a hotel in the Old Quarter and some dude jumped into the front seat of the cab, presented us with a business card from the Classic Street Hotel, and politely explained that they were out of rooms but that they owned another hotel down the street that was even nicer. Err, okay. I mean, he did have the business card. He said we were going to the Prince Hotel, which I had remembered reading about. Sounds good.

The "Prince Hotel" was a complete dump. Also it wasn't the Prince Hotel. (The guidebook had described it as a nice place.) The Lonely Planet scam we had read about was actually happening to us! How exciting! We looked at a room (since we did need a hotel) and decided we needed to hightail it out of there. Immediately.

What's nice is that they didn't get any money out of us (other than the cab fare, for which we paid the posted rate from the airport). What's not so nice is that we had to wander through the touts, hustlers, and deafening traffic (as the sidewalks are clogged with parked motorbikes, makeshift kitchens, and other improvised retail environments) for 45 minutes with our backpacks in the heat until we found our actual hotel. Not so fun. Mad props to the guy who was trying to sell us a motorcycle ride who actually didn't lie to us about where we were (the only person until that point in this adventure who actually told us the truth). That was huge.

It's pretty remarkable how many people were in on this -- especially, as we later observed, since they didn't actually make any money on the deal. No fewer than five people at the airport, including the dude in the army uniform, must have been in on it. The unexplained stop at the cab depot had to be to tell the other guys to phone ahead to the hotel people and let them know to dig out their fake Classic Street Hotel card. Pretty complicated stuff all around. And, luckily for us, all for phucing naught!

(It's worth noting that the actual Classic Street Hotel is perfectly fine and the guy who works there has been extremely helpful and kind to us. In general, as noted earlier, the people here have been lovely.)

Next Up: Tomorrow we head out of Hanoi for two days to check out Halong Bay. I believe we're sleeping aboard a boat tomorrow night. Should be cool. Or at least quiet.

Posted by thatkid at June 13, 2005 9:37 AM under ThatKid

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