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November 11, 2005

The Revenge Of Michael Irvin

Always two there are!

Among the many conspiracy hypotheses being trotted out to explain the TO-Eagles media circus/ disaster is the ESPN Theory. Said theory goes like this: ESPN masterminded a week's worth of "sports controversy" involving TO in order to hype their Sunday Night broadcast of the Eagles-Redskins game as well as four days of run-up programming. Assorted blathermonkeys had floated the idea for a few days, and one could say that it was formalized in a Phil Sheridan column in the Philly papers earlier this week.

Apparently the story/ conspiracy theory had enough momentum to actually elicit an official response from the ESPN Ombudsman. And yes, ESPN takes itself seriously enough to actually have an "Ombudsman" on staff. Because ESPN is soooooo important, and isn't just Brad-and-Angelina for the male 18-34 demo.

While I appreciate the idea of a plot behind the TO-Eagles divorce, I think the ESPN angle is a red herring. I think there is a conspiracy, but that it runs deeper than ESPN. Not to geek out too much, but it wasn't the Trade Federation who really started the Clone Wars. No, I think the real mastermind/ Senator Palpatine in this whole affair is Michael Irvin.

Michael Irvin has been TO's number-one supporter and confidante in the media for the past two seasons. Whatever Irvin's whispered into TO's ear has clearly resonated with TO, and TO has responded by giving Irvin (an ESPN employee) exclusive access to his twisted, loony world. Maybe it's some sort of exclusive fraternity for loud NFL wide receivers. Maybe it's the brotherhood of the misunderstood. Or maybe they just like playing cribbage together. But they're buddies. And Irvin has used that relationship to completely torpedo the Eagles' season.

We got the first hint of this sinister plot when TO controversially wore a Michael Irvin #88 jersey on the team plane home from the Dallas game. That would be the Dallas game where the Eagles got completely rolled: 33-10, and it wasn't even that close. Sure, everyone on the team assured us that it wasn't a big deal, and TO could wear whatever he wanted, and that the jersey was more about his friendship with Irvin than betraying his teammates. Maybe TO didn't get it, but that was not so cool. I can't imagine being thrilled to see some dude wearing the shirt of the team that just humiliated us on national television.

And then, of course, it was Irvin who first floated the if-Brett-Favre-was-the-Eagles-QB-they'd-be-undefeated theory. That was the one that was later repeated to TO, and with which he agreed, setting in motion the death spiral that got him kicked off the team. While Michael Irvin certainly didn't make TO agree with him and question Number 5's toughness and leadership, he sure did help things along. I'm sure Irvin didn't want TO to get Keyshawned, but the Keyshawning did help Irvin to achieve his dastardly goal: ruining the Eagles season, and helping to avenge the wrongs of 1999.

And by "the wrongs of 1999" I of course mean "that whole messy episode where Philly fans booed Irvin as he was carried off the field at the Vet with a career-ending neck injury." Right. That one. Maybe a low point even for Philly. I imagine he's been plotting his revenge ever since, biding his time, waiting for his chance. And instead of striking when the Eagles were on the rise, he waited just until they were at their most vulnerable -- hurt QB, general Super Bowl hangover, messy offseason -- and then unleashed his fiendish plot!

And boy did it ever work. I hope you're happy, Michael Irvin. You won. The team's a mess, the wheels are completely coming off this season, and this might have been the blow that actually does permanent damage to Number 5's already battered feelings (and Irvin certainly understood about Number 5's feelings -- look, he's sensitive).

I suppose we should have taken Yoda's advice: always two there are! And if TO was the Sith apprentice, then we should have been looking for the master. There he was, hiding in plain sight, pulling the strings as his fiendish plot worked to perfection. These are indeed dark days for the Republic.

(Of course, I still secretly believe that the Birds can turn it around. They lost a tough one on Sunday night, but maybe this whole TO thing is just what the team needed to come together for a big stretch run! Never mind that the QB is still hobbled, that they just lost their starting center, that the defensive line is a mess, that their erstwhle Pro Bowl secondary is underperforming, that they're starting a rookie at WR, and that they've demonstrated zero ability to run the ball -- maybe this is the thing that turns the season around! Vegas thinks they're going to win! By three points! I know! It's crazy! The market thinks they're going to beat the team that whupped them 33-10 a month ago and has had a bye week to prepare! And who am I to disagree with the Wisdom of Crowds? If they go 7-1 the rest of the way, they'll get into the playoffs at 11-5! No problem!)

Posted by thatkid at November 11, 2005 10:56 AM under Philly , Sports

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