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March 28, 2006

I Am Charlotte Simmons: Book Report

Finally, I take the time to write about a book that I hated

To date, all of my semi-regular book report features have been fairly positive. Even if I didn't love all the books I reviewed, I certainly considered them worth reading -- and writing about. I've certainly read a bunch of other books since I started with the book reports, but not all of said books made it onto the web site.

I Am Charlotte Simmons is the first book I'll write about that I genuinely disliked. Wait. Disliked isn't strong enough. Detested? Pitied? Was embarrassed to have paid for? Something like that. The worst part is that I thought it would make for some light plane reading -- wouldn't require too too much of me, and would at the very least make me think happy thoughts about college. Despite having been warned that it was "awful," I figured I might enjoy it as a guilty pleasure. After all, I kind of enjoyed A Man In Full, though that might have just been because I enjoyed the Atlanta humor (of which said volume offered ample helpings).

Uh-uh. This was not a guilty pleasure. It was painful and awkward. I'm actually shocked I finished it (barely).

And with that introduction, here we go!

Title:I Am Charlotte Simmons

Author: Tom Wolfe

Tags: college, KOLLEGE!, Duke, NCAA, class, higher education, fraternities, rich white people, dirty old men who disguise their own voyeurism as horrified disbelief, stealing consumers' hard-earned money, coasting on past successes, things I hated.

If someone asked you to make a slide called "Key Takeaways," it would contain the following information: Tom Wolfe's best days as a writer are far, far, far, like super-duper-really-really far behind him. Distant. Obscured by the curvature of the Earth. We're talking far. At the same time that I was horrified by the book's take on relatively innocuous subjects (its attitude toward sex is at once moralistic, hand-wringing, and voyeuristic -- dude, the kids have sex in college...it's not such a big deal), these feelings were trumped by the overwhelming realization that the book was just plain wrong. For all the talk about how Tom Wolfe did all this research for this novel and followed his poor kids around at school, he really misses the mark on the details. Again. And again. About the only thing that's semi-insightful is his take on big-time college sports (which, it's worth noting, he also covered in A Man In Full, so he's had plenty of time to noodle on it), which actually made me cock my head (in a non-hateful manner) once or twice.

If I Could Meet Any Of The Featured Players: Instead of talking about which character I'd like to meet, I'm going to tell you who I don't want to meet, ever: Charlotte Simmons. She's absolutely nothing as a character. Which might have worked, save for the part where the whole freaking book is about her. It's like some bad reality show where they sent a 75-year-old Evangelical Christian woman to college. Is Charlotte really so sheltered that she's this horrified by the fact that some of the kids at college drink beer? Is that even possible? How could someone allegedly so smart be this dumb? Saying she's an innocent doesn't excuse ignorance of obvious facts; even the most morally unassailable among us are surely aware of the basic facts of college life. Does she not have an Internet? Oh wait. More on that later.

The Super-Interesting Passages That I'm Looking Forward To Dropping On People In Casual Conversation That I Imagine Will Make Me Sound Smart: Nothing. I will never reference the fact that I have read this book in an effort to enrich a conversation. As I understand it, that would be impossible. About the closest I'll get to quoting a passage would be in a context like this one:

"Hey, do you know who won the Sonics game?"

"It's called I Am Charlotte Simmons; I can lend you my copy, though it smells a bit of bile."

"Sweet."

What I Still Want To Know: So this is a book about college set in the present day. Right now. In America. Apart from a snarky reference to the local college bar being named the "IM" there isn't a single character who uses the Internet until page 696. 696. Out of 738. The moment of truth comes when Charlotte checks her grades online. Dude. DUDE. THAT'S HORRIBLE. We got pages of descriptions of how frat guys sit around and watch Sportscenter, but nothing about the Internet? Nothing? Thank you, we can stop right there.

Are They Going To Make a Movie?: please don't. Please. Please. Please. This man should not earn another cent from this half-assed pile of blather.

So I Should I Read It? I'd think about it if you've already gone through everything else in the prison library.

I'll stop now.

Posted by thatkid at March 28, 2006 11:07 PM under Book Report , Book Report

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Posted by: man in full at March 29, 2006 5:52 PM

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