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April 15, 2006

Amateur Food Porn: Final Review

The film was passable; the sandwich was absurd

In the interests of fair play, good vibes, and a general passion for sandwich photography, we're going to do a little follow-up piece to last week's posting about amateur food pornographer Brangien Davis and her entry in the C@L Times Three-Minute Movie contest. Though there's still time for the rest of us to submit our entries in the contest, Ms. Davis' "An Open Letter To Ham" has been posted for all the world to see.

As a first-time film, it's appropriately cute. Framed as a faux letter to a former lover, Ms. Davis discusses the longing and regret she's felt for ham since she decided to become a vegetarian. Though the whole gambit is a bit obvious and dated (I mean, who really writes proper letters anymore anyway?), and the humor relies heavily on voice-over (a no-no according the film school intelligentsia), we're going to cut her some slack. The project was mostly about her learning to use her video camera and off-the-shelf editing equipment, and in that regard she did a heckuva job. I mean, I've never made a little film like that, but I imagine it takes a lot of work and patience, and for that she should be comended. Well played, Ms. Davis -- there might be room for you in the food porn community yet!

Still, "Open Letter To Ham" isn't going to escape me unscathed. My two big criticisms:

(1) While we enjoy a nice ham sandwich as much as the next fellow, we show love to all members of the pork family -- especially the more deliciously cured and salted pork products. That is, we've got love for the prosciuttos and the sopressatas of the world. And we certainly have a lots of love for bacon. Thus we did not appreciate the potshot that Ms. Davis lobbed at our good friend bacon in the closing moments of her film. Is bacon a bit decadent and indulgent? Perhaps. And that's exactly why it demands adoration and respect. Ms. Davis, consider yourself warned!

(2) I know that the film was about ham and not exactly about sandwiches, but still, are we supposed to believe that impostor of a sandwich that Ms. Brangien trotted out to close her film? Did you see how thickly she'd sliced the ham? And how haphazardly she'd assembled the sandwich? Just because you're a vegetarian doesn't mean you should be that clueless about sandwich construction. And if this is the best you can come up with, well then ask for some help! I'm not saying that you need to be delivering the sort of sandwich-board virtuosity that one might find in the thatkidinthecorner flickr directory, but still. Show some professionalism! Like this:

G4: The Grilled Emma's Combo