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October 1, 2006

I Hate DirecTV

All I wanted to do was give them three hundred bones for pro football; is that so hard?

Today would have been a lovely day for the NFL Sunday Ticket.

I've been out of town for over a week, pretty desperate for a good night's sleep, and definitely well behind in my housekeeping and/ or mail-opening (or at least mail-piling) duties. I knew I was looking forward to a Sunday of getting my act together, and I knew that pro football would be blaring from my television throughout. No trips to the sports bar or other nonsense for me this Sunday; I needed to be home.

In another version of today, said television would have been blaring with up to nine NFL games in high definition through the NFL Sunday Ticket on DirecTV. Instead, I've got two games, and only one in HD. Which is fine, but far from optimal.

Forgive me now as I share my tale of DirecTV-related woe:

As soon as I bought my big TV, I mentally committed to getting DirecTV. DirecTV: NFL football through the satellite. Football from space! All the games! I was psyched! Two weeks before the start of the NFL Season, I called the good people at DirecTV to place my order for the NFL Sunday Ticket. I tried to order it through their web site, but it wasn't really making the level of sense I needed for the purchase decision of this magnitude. After making the required decisions (yes I'd like the full-on bonus package with all the HD, no I didn't need the HD-DVR) and handing over my credit card and billing information, we talked about scheduling my installation. Given that it was a full two weeks before the start of the season, I didn't forsee any issues getting myself up and running prior to the first Sunday of the NFL season (despite being warned otherwise by some friends out here).

Silly me.

The first slot they had available for the installation was Thursday, September 14th between 1 pm and 5 pm. That would be four days after the start of the season. Hmmm. Well that doesn't seem very cool. Given that I'm paying $330+ for 17 weeks of NFL Sunday Ticket, but would only be able to enjoy 16 of those weeks, perhaps I should get a rebate of 1/17th of the total price? Thus followed a comical few minutes of them trying to tell me that I was already getting all sorts of free programming for signing up for DirecTV while I calmly explained that I understood the difference between the listed price and the actual price. Said comical few minutes ended the same way they began, with me SOL and missing the first weekend of the season. The best they could offer me was the number of the local installation affiliate, to whom I could plead my case and see if there was a chance that they could move me up in the installation queue.

At this point it's worth noting that the folks who install your DirecTV are not employees or subsidiaries of DirecTV; they're independent contractors with whom DirecTV maintains a vendor relationship. This is actually a lovely way forDirecTV to erect a nifty barrier to accountability between HQ and the folks in the fans. Any problems you might have with the installation of your DirecTV aren't really DirecTV's problem -- certainly not an accident, for reasons that will soon become quite clear.

Anyhoo, I called the installation people. Shockingly, they didn't have any open slots before the 14th between 1pm and 5 pm, but they promised to give me a call if anything opened up. Uh huh. So I blocked my calendar for the 14th and resigned myself to spending the first weekend of the season in a bar.

Let us now move forward to the afternoon of September 14th.

After some hasty meeting cancellations and apologies, I hightailed it out of the office and back to my apartment at 12:20. Given the light levels of traffic in the middle of the day, I saw no problem in making it back to C@L in time for my 1 pm to 5 pm installation slot. I arrived home by 12:50 feeling good. I manuevered my TV stand away from the wall and tidied up the mess of wires behind the set. I was ready.

I popped open my computer and gave my e-mail a quick scan. Hmmm. Voicemail at 12:25 pm. Wonder what that is. I open up the file and give it a listen: it was the installation people, calling to let me know that they were cancelling my installation for the afternoon. Huh. Some quick math: I had made an appointment two and a half weeks before the installation date and had manipulated my schedule to accommodate it, only to have said appointment unceremoniously cancelled 35 minutes beforehand.

So obviously I go ballistic.

I call the installation people and demand some satisfaction. The woman who answers the phone offers me the 8 am-12 pm slot the following day. No way. Not another four-hour slot. You've already wasted enough of my time. You need to do better. We're sorry, sir, we can't do better -- and you're lucky that we can get you in tomorrow, since the next open date is October 6th. And that's where I turned into a real jerk:

"Lucky? I ordered it two and a half weeks ago. I need to talk to a manager."

"No managers are available."

"No managers are available? Where are they?"

"They're in a meeting."

"Okay, when will they be done?"

"I don't know."

"Well, it's 1:40 now. Will they be done at 2? 2:30?"

"We can't tell you that, sir."

"Is someone going to call me back? Within an hour?"

"I can't promise you that."

"So what can you promise?"

"We can put you in for tomorrow between 8 and 12."

"8 and 12 -- that's ridiculous! You can't promise me first thing in the morning? I can't miss work again."

"Sir, the installations are done by independent contractors and we can't control their schedules."

"Let me get this straight: not only do you not work for DirecTV, but the people who do the actual installation don't even work for you? So they're two layers of accountability removed from DirecTV?"

"Sir, I'm not sure what you mean."

"Hmmm. Let me ask you something, because it doesn't feel like you have much sympathy for me here. So maybe I just don't understand how this all works."

[Pause. Maybe she felt the impending Jedi mind trick.]

"Maybe the reason I'm getting so upset is that I don't realize that this is just normal for you guys, and so I shouldn't feel like you're being especially rude and unhelpful to me -- which is how I feel right now. But maybe I shouldn't feel that way. Maybe this happens all the time."

[Pause. Now she knew something was up.]

"So which is it? Do you guys screw up like this all the time, or are you being especially rude to just me?"

[Pause. This was definitely a trick question.]

"Well? Which is it?"

"Sir, do you want me to say that this happens all the time? Is that what you want me to say?"

"I just want you to tell me the truth."

"Sir, I can't answer that."

"Well then I need to talk to your manager. This is ridiculous."

"He'll call you when he's out of his meeting."

"Within an hour?"

"I can't promise that."

"Well make sure he calls me today, okay?"

"Okay."

Hours pass. At 4:58 I still hadn't heard from the manager. So I call back. This time the manager was available, and he was really really sorry he didn't have a chance to call me back. I explained my plight and he assured me that someone would be at my apartment between 8 and 9 am the following morning. Right. Fine. I guess I'll wait.

So the installation guy shows up at 10:15. At this point, I'm beyond complaining. I just march the guy to my back porch and suggest that we attach the dish there. Oh that won't work, he explains. We need a clear line to the southeast. Errr, okay. So we march out front. Oh, this isn't going to work either. That tree and that hill are in the way. Huh? The tree? The hill? Can we put it on a pole? Nope, the unit was too heavy. Maybe the roof? Nope, too steep. Too steep?

Five minutes after the guy arrived, after two and a half weeks of waiting, angry phone calls, and general angst, the verdict was in: I could not get DirecTV. Because of a freakin' tree. A tree! The signal goes all the way to outer space and back down to earth, and is stopped ten yards short of my apartment by a lame-ass pine tree! I asked the guy if this happened a lot:

"Yeah, it happens. What system do you have now? Millennium?"

"No, Comcast."

"Comcast? I have Comcast. Let me tell you -- it's much better than the DirecTV, especially the HD signals."

[Remember, the installation guys are contractors of contractors -- it's very postmodern.]

"Yeah, but I really wanted the football package."

"I hear ya, man. I hear ya. But I usually just go to the bar."

[Stare of utter disbelief from me.]

"Umm, yeah. I guess I'll go to the bar."

Thus concludes my tale of woe in re: DirecTV. I am still on my couch, watching two games insteaad of nine. I am not in a bar. I remain flabbergasted by the shambles of an operation those DirecTV folks have going on. I might also point you to the well-documented opinions of TMQ in re: the DirecTV monopoly on out-of-town games, but the larger point is really that DirecTV is running a pretty sloppy operation and I'm shocked that the NFL continues to do business with them on an exclusive basis. I hate to post the details of my customer-service calls, but I do want there to be some record and/ or accountability for the craptastic level of service I received from DirecTV, or, rather the craptastic level of service I received from DirecTV's vendor and the vendor of their vendor (the distinctions therein and the vanishing levels of accountability thereof are, as noted, no accident).

Mostly I can't believe that my three-week quest for space football TV was ultimately thwarted by a tree.

Posted by thatkid at October 1, 2006 12:32 PM under Biznass

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Posted by: micah at October 6, 2006 2:25 AM

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