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October 11, 2006

The Biosphere Claims Its Revenge

You know what you don't hear so many of? Bedbug stories with happy endings.

So I've been a little busy/ preoccupied the past week.

I had planned to write something about the new season of Battlestar Galactica and/ or at the very least something about The Most Important Date On The NFL Regular Season Calendar From The Moment The Schedule Was Announced Last Spring, Good Versus T.0. (in which Good prevailed despite the best efforts of Michael Lewis), live from the Linc.

That didn't happen.

Here's what did happen:

I woke up Tuesday morning and found a set of small bumps on the back of my arm. The number of bumps talked me out of the possibility that they were insect bites; it must have been a rash or allergic reaction to something. Too many bumps to be bites. And I certainly hadn't seen any mosquitos buzzing around my apartment recently. No biggie. Some odd rash. Bugs not even a concern.

Fast-forward to Tuesday night. I turn out the overhead light in my room and flip on the nightlight. I'm climbing into bed, and I notice some brown stuff down near the base of the mattress. I look down and it's this disgusting mass of brown insects. So I smash a bunch to death, and then clean the mess up with some chemical sprays.

Now we're going to fast-forward some more, because no one's terribly interested in all the details:

Then I checked the rest of the mattress.

Then I did more cleaning.

Then I did some research.

Then I started to get worried.

Then I followed some simple instructions.

Then I made some calls.

Then I had a visit from an exterminator.

Then I threw away my mattress, my box spring, the carpet in my room, all my bedding, my pillows, and a bunch of clothes.

Then I waited.

Then the real exterminators came, and I packed all of my stuff into boxes and put all my clothes in plastic bags.

Then I threw away the mattress from my sofa, as well as some luggage and some more clothes.

Then I slept up the street at my buddies' place.

And here I am.

In the space of one week, I've had my life semi-turned upside down by an insect. (Actually, a bunch of insects.) They'll cost me thousands of dollars before they're through with me. They don't actually carry disease or pose an actual threat, they're just really really unpleasant. And they've totally caused a major unanticipated interruption in my life. Freakin' bedbugs.

Bedbugs! Who knew such things existed! Apparently they'd been eradicated in North America for the past 50 years, but have recently enjoyed a big resurgence here. (This is what we get for banning DDT, err, or something.) All I knew from bedbugs was sleeping tight and not letting them bite. I didn't even believe they were a real thing, much less that they bit. I now know (a) they are real and (b) they bite. More specifically, they set up shop in warm places where mammals sleep and feed on our blood while we sleep.

The killer about the bedbug thing is that it gets worse pretty much every day. That is, I get more bad news and/ or lose possessions. First it was the bedding. Then it was the bed and box spring. Then it was the carpet. Then a bunch of my clothes. Then the mattress in my couch. Then my luggage. Each day brings an additional loss. And it isn't even that I'm squeamish; I lived in a ground floor apartment in New York for three years and change. I'm used to critters. I just wish I didn't have to lose all my stuff.

Doing internet research does not help. You hope you're going to find some comforting site explaining how you can throw money at this problem and make it go away, but you end up reading a lot of things like this (which I half-remembered reading when it was published) and this, which do not inspire much confidence. As you might expect, there are bedbug blogs, only all they do is convince me that this is definitely getting worse before it gets better. I'm looking for one with a happy ending. If you find one, please send it along. I just want to read something that convinces me I'm not throwing away the remainder of my possessions.

I've been trying to take a mature view on this whole affair. It's like I've had a minor household disaster (theft, vandalism, small fire, that sort of thing), only it's a parasite that could be anywhere, is next to impossible to exterminate, and it makes people nervous to be near you. And it drags on and on. But really, my health isn't threatened, no one's trying to blow me up, it really isn't so terrible. All things considered, if this is the worst thing that happens to me this year, then my life really isn't so bad.

Of course, at a higher level, you can't help but appreciate the irony -- sitting here, as we are, atop the food chain -- of another animal getting the better of us. The cows and chickens must be so jealous of the bedbugs! The bedbugs are kicking my ass. By a lot. It's like they have a team of attorneys serving me with papers every day demanding the forfeiture of more and more of my possessions. After 30 years of consuming resources here on planet Earth, planet Earth is bringing me the check. You've been eating us for a while, now it's our turn to eat you. This is probably how the rest of the known universe feels all the time!

So yeah. That's all I've got. Like the traffic across the water in C@L, it's getting worse before it's getting better. I would not say I was completely psyched about that. In the meantime, I shall remain Zen about the whole thing (or at least try to) and (in something of a C@L treehugger twist) consider these inconveniences my way of giving back to the environment.

Yeah, it's not so sweet.

Posted by thatkid at October 11, 2006 10:04 AM under ThatKid

Comments

Posted by: jetpeach at October 18, 2006 8:53 PM

Posted by: Mike at November 13, 2006 9:52 AM

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