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May 18, 2007

Fly Emirates!: Three (3) Things About Dubai International Airport

I haven't been this excited about an airplane ride since I was seven

Though I said I wouldn't be posting about layovers, we're going to have to make an exception -- Dubai International Airport was just too juicy. While there is only so much one can say about an airport, Dubai actually does merit some minor discussion. Mostly because DUBAI AIRPORT IS WHAT WE THOUGHT IT WAS. That is, as over-the-top and opulent as you can imagine an airport can be.

To shore up my nerd credentials, I'm reminded of the opening lines of The Long, Dark Tea Time of the Soul by Douglas Adams, which go something like this: "It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression 'as pretty as an airport.'" Maybe not, but this a pretty good-looking airport. I had hoped to get out of there and check out the town (take a cab into the city center for lunch or something), but they won't let you leave if your layover is under eight (8) hours, or some similar nonsense. BOOOO. So I was trapped in the concourse and business class lounge. Luckily, it was a lovely concourse and business class lounge (full bar, free high-end buffet, tons of food, comfy chairs, etc).

Three (3) things about the Dubai airport:

(1) It's sort of like Vegas, only with more duty-free and less oil money: right, so it’s a lovely airport they have there in Dubai. Shiny (REALLY SHINY), new, with all sorts of slick facilities and décor. The duty-free pavilion was, as one might have expected, a caricature of itself. Generally speaking, I’ve always imagined that the duty-free pavilions at major airports exist exclusively for (a) smokers, (b) alcoholics, and (c) oil billionaires whose insecurity demands that they purchase many luxury-branded products at the airport. So you can imagine what things are going to look like at Oil Billionaire Global HQ! My my! It was even crazier than the one at Heathrow (European HQ)! High roller that I am, I picked up a coffee mug (30 Dinars, however in the hell much that is) with “I’m crazy for Dubai!” emblazoned on the side. It was either that or an $8,000 watch.

(2) My most highly anticipated airplane trip since the age of seven: so it probably is mostly about the soccer thing, but I could not have been more excited about my chance to (finally) Fly Emirates (!). First Chelsea, now Arsenal…I’ll admit it, however much Emirates paid for the shirt branding, it worked on me. (I’m also fairly convinced that most of the denizens of F.C. Camena are burning with jealousy right now – so convinced am I of the exotic allure of Emirates Airlines!) Also, I had heard that Emirates was over-the-top with the in-flight service, which made sense, given the general rules in re: airline service (that is, quality of airline service is inversely proportional to a culture’s overall level of gender equality– yes yes, sad but true; Thai Airlines we’re looking in your direction). Right, so correct on all counts. It was a thrill to fly Emirates: the food was outstanding, the service completely obsequious, and they even used real china. Arsene Wenger would have been so pleased!

(3) Shockingly, this was one of those jerk countries that censors the Internet: so I’m sitting in the business class lounge trying to fire up my India post from that morning, and none of the photos are showing up on the page. Huh. That’s weird. Maybe there’s something screwy with the bandwidth in the lounge? So I click through to Flickr. Or not. Instead of my photos, I got an error message that very politely explained that Flickr was bad and would corrupt the values of this vulgar Vegas built on the backs on exploited workers from the developing world and financed by inherited oil money. Fair enough. Have it your way.

But while you might try to ban our Internet, it looks like you and your kids are going to eat our sh*tty poisoned food! Ha! Mmm, the McArabia meal…sounds like a treat. Eat up, b*tches! I hope you’re first against the wall when the revolution comes! (More Douglas Adams! Also, I don't have much patience for the web censorship stuff. Ooooh, I hope you don't chop off my mouse hand! Not sweet.)

In closing, I might mention in closing that I found my experience on my flight to Dubai that morning on Air India (in business class) to be akin to an overnight Greyhound bus trip to Detroit, only with incomprehensible Bollywood musicals playing on a grimy 21-inch monitor. I’m supposed to fly them again next week. Not happening. Not a chance.

And with that, time to head to the airport for my (gulp) Hungarian Airlines flight…wish me luck!

Posted by thatkid at May 18, 2007 8:01 AM under ThatKid

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